Looking for a Future Spouse
by Rev. Fr. Francisco Radecki, CMRI
* Originally published in The Reign of Mary, Issue No. 131, Summer 2008
Where should you begin your search for a spouse? Start at the Communion rail. A Catholic who practices his or her Faith is more likely to see life as you do. Look for someone who has character and is virtuous, not just someone who is fun to be around. In order to find happiness in marriage, you need a spouse who will remain rock-solid and faithful throughout the many difficulties of life.
Search for a mate in the right places. Bars and the Internet are not good choices. A party atmosphere does not portray one in the proper light. To really get to know a person, meet his or her family and friends and learn about his or her history. Pay attention to how he treats his mother and to the quality of her relationship with her father. Good trees produce good fruit. Are the parents committed to a loving relationship that will provide a good example for the future? Remember: if the parents are themselves divorced, there is a possibility that their offspring will follow their example. It must be clear to both parties from the start that marriage is a permanent arrangement. If there is hesitation on that point, look elsewhere.
If you discover serious problems in your prospective spouse, such as pornography, drug use, excessive drinking and gambling, or mental or physical abuse, realize that these highly addictive vices are extremely difficult to overcome. Don’t be naïve and expect to change him or her for the better after you are married. This rarely occurs and may lead instead to lifelong misery with little hope for improvement. Since problems encountered during dating are often magnified after a couple is married, pay close attention to warning signs before it is too late. Bad habits are hard to break.
Make sure that you know your prospective spouse for a reasonable length of time, and that you both view the future maturely. Many couples don’t have a clue about the difficulties they will encounter in married life and believe that they have the world by the tail; thus they are unprepared to deal with the trials that will inevitably come.
Pray to Find a Good Spouse
In order to attain the fullness of happiness that God wants couples to achieve in the married state, it is important to pray daily for the proper mate. God will assist you in this important quest since it will seriously affect the rest of your life. Your goal should be to find the person who will travel the path of life hand-in-hand with you by sharing like convictions and the same long-term goals.
Marry in the Faith
Young people contemplating marriage today often do not consider the long-term consequences of a sometimes hastily made decision. Oftentimes looming on the horizon are problems involving religious or ethical matters that are neither discussed nor foreseen.
If you wish to be happy, marry someone with the same moral values and core beliefs, someone who understands your outlook on life. You and your spouse will be fortified in good times and bad simply by living the Catholic Faith. This will also assist you in the upbringing of your children since you both will see life from the same perspective.
Catholicism affects all facets of your life. Non-Catholics do not often understand many aspects of the Faith, including obeying the Ten Commandments, the importance of the sacraments and regular Mass attendance. If your spouse has nebulous moral standards, or holds views which vastly differ from yours on such things as the permanence of marriage and the proper way to raise children, etc., your road will be rocky and will contain many obstacles, bringing with them untold disappointments and heartaches.
The first few years of married life may be difficult as the couple learns how to adapt to one another and to work as a team. They must also cope with differences in temperament and the psychological makeup of male and female. It is rather like two people paddling in a canoe: they can only reach their goal by rowing in sync; otherwise, they will go in circles.
If You Marry Outside the Faith
Under certain conditions, the Catholic Church allows the marriage of Catholics and non-Catholics:
- The non-Catholic must promise to allow the Catholic to practice his or her faith and raise the children Catholic.
- There must be some hope for the conversion of the non-Catholic party.
If you enter marriage having different beliefs, expect a life of discord in the religious upbringing and discipline of the children. Marrying outside your Faith is like marrying a stranger or trying to communicate with someone who speaks a foreign language.
Ultimately, mixed marriages may result in a sense of loneliness and alienation. A very strong faith is necessary in order to retain your beliefs in spite of opposition. If your future husband or wife changes his or her faith to marry you, make sure it is from true conversion and not only for convenience.
Sometimes problems surface years later in a mixed marriage. Non-Catholics often do not feel the same responsibility and culpability for their actions. Infidelity, irresponsibility, alcoholism, drugs, physical and mental abuse are often not seen in the same light as the Catholic spouse sees them.
Priorities
Examine yourself. What is your “number one” priority in life? Is it your job, money or material things? A selfish marriage is doomed to failure. You have to work as a team and there is no “I” in team. If your priorities are out of line, your whole life will be unbalanced, like a washing machine with an uneven load. Make sure your future mate sees life realistically, not in a romantic Hollywood-type setting. Life is a series of successes and failures.
Things often don’t have a storybook ending.
Marriage is one of the most important decisions you will make in your life. It will determine if your life will be a success or a failure, happy or unhappy. It will also, to a great degree, determine where you will both spend eternity. God arranged marriage as a means to an end: to have a lifelong helpmate and to go through life together, hand in hand.
Marriage is an institution that is meant to last an entire lifetime. If you and the person you want to marry are not committed to growing old together and staying together for life, you are not ready. A couple that is serious about marriage looks forward to the children they will bring into this world, and even the future grandchildren. God willing, they will both remain together long enough to watch their family grow and develop as they simultaneously grow in their love for each other.
One blessed outlook on marriage is beautifully expressed in Scripture: “Then Tobias exhorted the virgin, and said to her: Sara, arise, and let us pray to God today, and tomorrow, and the next day: because for these three nights we are joined to God: and when the third night is over, we will be in our own wedlock. For we are the children of saints, and we must not be joined together like heathens that know not God” (Tobias 8: 4-5).
Is Marriage Endangered?
“Shacking up” seems very appealing today, and since millions are doing it, many believe they will experience freedom by joining their ranks. Instead, they become slaves to their passions. How widespread is the practice? According to federal data released on July 28, 2008, “The number of [unmarried] opposite-sex couples who live together has jumped from less than 1 million 30 years ago to 6.4 million in 2007, …Cohabitating couples now make up almost 10 percent of all opposite-sex U.S. couples, married and unmarried.”1
“Living together,” which is often based on lust and selfishness, is very insecure and may even be a one-sided arrangement. Every disagreement can become a reason to leave since the relationship lacks the permanence of marriage. Each partner keeps personal liberty but never makes a sacrifice of himself or herself for the other. As a result, neither experiences the deep joys and security of the lifelong union attainable only in marriage.
Cohabitation is also an ancient pagan practice that often emotionally enslaves the woman. The couple lacks the total commitment and blessings inherent in marriage. Often the male leads the female partner on by telling her what she wants to hear, although he has no intention to share his entire life or last name with her. She believes her dream will be fulfilled: to be a wife and mother supported by a loving husband, but it never materializes. The longer they are together, the less she likes herself as she is shocked at the transformation that occurs. Her identity may be lost while the man usually reaps the benefits. It is a facade: a man, a house, but no life. A union based solely on passion and convenience will never lead to true, inner happiness. Where there is no real trust there is no real love. Those who have discovered that “living together” doesn’t work may find a strengthened resolve to wait for the right man or woman and “do it right.”
According to the research of Michael and Harriet McManus, co-authors of: Living Together: Myths, Risks and Answers,2 cohabitation is an obstacle to a good marriage rather than a preparation for it. In a recent article in the National Catholic Register, Fr. John Flynn, LC, summarized their findings:
“There is a big difference between a permanent bond such as marriage and just living together in a conditional relationship. Typically in cohabitation, the two individuals are more concerned with obtaining satisfaction from the other person. In marriage, by contrast, spouses tend to focus more on giving satisfaction to the other person. …While many women look upon it as a stepping-stone to marriage, men often look at it as a commitment-free convenience.”3
Another study reports that the divorce rate for couples who cohabitate before marriage is a startling 75 percent.4 Msgr. M. Francis Mannion offers an explanation:
“There are a number of arguments against cohabitation that appear regularly among those who study the matter. The most surprising is that cohabitation before marriage is likely to lead to divorce. The reason is that cohabitation leads to a ‘no-strings-attached’ approach that easily transfers into marriage. People end up casually ‘living together’ even after they get married. This creates a climate where divorce becomes an easy option. Cohabitation also allows people to live separate lives and to avoid the bonding that is essential to marriage.”5
Many people today do not believe in moral restraints or rules. Right and wrong are what you want them to be. Marriage and a lifelong commitment are seen as old-fashioned and out of touch with reality. Those who live together without getting married often do not reflect on the long-term effects of promiscuity, which include “…loneliness, plummeting self-esteem, and even suicidal depression, not to mention skyrocketing rates of sexually transmitted diseases (43% of sexually active women will contract HPV, a sexually transmitted disease that causes cervical cancer), abortion and divorce.”6
The Ten Commandments were written in stone for a reason. They were intended to be the standard of morality in all societies until the end of time. “Living together” is an empty, unfulfilling lifestyle that ultimately leads to hopelessness, depression, and in some cases, suicide. Only with a solid foundation based upon trust and a healthy fear of God, sacrifice, and a lifelong commitment to the sacred vows of marriage will couples find true happiness together.
Endnotes
1 USA Today, 7/29/08, “Census reveals more couples,” by Sharon Jayson, p. 6D.
2 Howard Books, 2008.
3 7/20/08, “Recent Studies Reveal the Perils of Cohabitation,” p. B1, Zenit.
4 National Catholic Register, 2/22/04, “Cohabitation Conundrum,” by Tom and Caroline McDonald. Report by Sociology Professor David Popenoe, Rutgers University.
5 Our Sunday Visitor, 8/6/06, p. 15, “No Strings Attached.”
6 Our Sunday Visitor, 4/29/07, “It’s not prudishness, it’s living a healthy life,” by Emily Stimpson, p. 3.